i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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