so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
