omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
