Life is so much better after having sex.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
