You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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