Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
