Well douche your snatch and let's go!
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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