the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him