he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it