if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
