then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
