You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize