THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
