Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
