We named our party play list daddy issues
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
