some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
