Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
