I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
