i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
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you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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