I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
