tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
did i walk over a car last night?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
