Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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