So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
