Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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