Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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