I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
