Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
