I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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