So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
