the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just cropdusted the office
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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