I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
