I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
