you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
