Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
