from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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