my sisters under your porch take her home
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
