and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Success! We fucked roommates!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
