I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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