i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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