It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
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I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
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Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there