Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
