Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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