I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
