I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
