You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
