Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
