How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
