i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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