i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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