Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
