planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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