I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
