Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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